16. TSA

Thank you Mr. TSA Agent for using moisturizer on your hands. When you pulled me, the scrawniest, least scary person out of line for a "random" check, I sure felt better about getting felt up by another man because your hands were so soft. And to answer your question, no, that was not my wallet in my back pocket - I just have buns of steel.

15. Butt Munch

As I flew home this past weekend, I had a lot of time to sit around during my layover in Atlanta. Fortunately for me, I have a pretty good time just sitting around and watching people. People do and wear some crazy stuff. I saw a lot of Birkenstocks and fanny packs, and I even saw one lady hanging out in the entrance to the women's restroom. One astute observer hypothesized that she probably liked the sounds she heard from being that close to all the action. Unfortunately for me, from my vantage point seated at my gate, I also saw a lot of butts. And the craziest thing I saw was all of the Butt Munch going on. Yes, Butt Munch with capital letters - it's a real thing. For the uninitiated, Butt Munch occurs when the butt, acting like a hungry monster, seeks to consume the pants. The pants disappear between the person's cheeks and are munched upon while the person walks. Yeah, there was a lot of Butt Munch at the Atlanta airport. It made me wonder how these people didn't get chafing going on. Doesn't it hurt to have that fabric rubbing up and down in your crack? And what about those pants? How do you think it makes them feel when they disappear into that chasm? Do you think the threads take it nobly and go down like a captain with the ship? Or is it like a movie where the female love interest falls off a building screaming while everyone else looks on and cries and yells in grief? And my last question is when that part of the pants finally emerges from the abyss, is it an outcast from the rest of the pants because it's been sullied in stink? These are the things I wonder, and I'm going to have to think long and hard about it. I'll report back with my conclusions.

14. INZs

You may be wondering what an INZ is. Well it is an affliction that strikes many people every day, of course. You probably just didn't know that it was called an INZ. In fact, I didn't know it was called an INZ until just a few minutes ago when I sat down to write this post and raise awareness about this terrible, terrible condition. You see, a friend of mine (we'll call her Schmatie), has one of these as we speak. And even though I haven't told Schmatie I think this, I think her infestation of INZs are getting worse. That's right folks, Inner Nose Zits are taking over the hairy lining of my friend's nose. Why is this happening? Science does not have the answer. But if you ask her, Schmatie will tell you that there is an evil booger growing in her nose. She can't smell. She can't even blow her nose. The pain is too great. She can't even do lines of cocaine anymore. And during the holidays, too. It's just too much for Schmatie to bear . . . and I don't think that I can just sit back and let this happen. So I am demanding that a crazy scientist or the government develop a nasal spray that would act like a pesticide and crop dust the crap out of the things that cause INZs - zoogers. Zoogers are boogers that turn into zits. Maybe they migrate into the nose skin from the inside, I don't know. I'm just spitballing here. But they must be eradicated. Oh yes, they must be.

Comment below to join this cause.

13. Toes

Toes are weird. I think we can all agree on that. They don't really do too much, and they really are just these little nubbins that protrude awkwardly out of our feet. For some people toes are a large concern because they have ugly knobby little toes. Have you ever seen these people? They are the people that walk around at a pool and you try not to step where they have in case their ugly toe disease is contagious. True story. What? You don't do that? Neither do I....But really, what is the point of the toe? All they do is trap your sock lint and get painfully cold in the winter. Remind me again why I signed up for these puppies? And why oh why do we have nails on our toes? Now I understand the reason why we have fingernails - we need to pull tape off of things and, if you're a girl, you need to pull the price tags off of gifts. But toenails are yet another way for you to turn into a freak. What if your toenails make you look like you have claws for feet? You definitely couldn't be a barefoot bandit. No sir. The people you rob would hear you coming from a mile away as you clack-clack-clack all through their house. There are far too many ways for you to look like a weirdy and have other people hide their children from you.

12. Tube Socks

Today, I saw a runner trotting around town not wearing running shoes, but wearing basketball shoes. And with those basketball shoes he was wearing some sweet cargo shorts and white tube socks. Now aside from the obvious terrible chafing that this person no doubt experienced by his poor choice of running shorts, and aside from the knee pain he'll have tonight, why oh why did he bust out the big tube socks? Why does anyone wear them? And why do they have to be called TUBE socks? It's just not a great word. You know what it makes me think of? Sex Ed in elementary school when I had to label the Fallopian Tubes on a diagram and felt instantly dirty afterward. I don't know if I looked at a girl the same way for at least 6 months. I was a dramatic child - very sensitive. The word tube also makes me think about tube tops, which doesn't make me feel much better than my elementary school self did when doing Sex Ed diagrams. Tube tops are either scary or trashy, depending on the weight of the person wearing one. I mean really people, have you ever seen a tube top look good? That's right, the answer is no.

But back to tube socks - can't we just agree that no one needs to see them? In my head, the only people that still wear white tube socks regularly are people that look like this. Doesn't he look like a sketchy dude? And don't you think that the addition of the white tube socks makes him even more sketchy? I hope none of you live near this guy, because if you do, you better hide your kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands because, well, you know...

11. Webcams

I . . . I . . . I just don't know what to say about this. Thoughts?

10. Tandem Bikes

So the other day I was on a little jaunt out to Kirkland and I found myself driving on East Lake Sammamish. For those who don't know, this road is a haven for the spandex-clad bikers who think they are sponsored by various bike companies. So while I was on this little jaunt, I noticed something rarely seen in the wild - the elusive tandem bike. And I cannot think of anything more ridiculous than riding a two-person bike. Now, I know that some of you will think, "But Adam, they are so romantical and ca-yute!!" False.  You are on the back of the bike staring at someone's butt. If you're climbing a hill, you're staring at their butt moving up and down. This person is also likely sweaty. They are undoubtedly exerting themselves. Now, I've been to a yoga class, and I know what this is a recipe for - a fart in the face. And with the 45.2% chance that the person on the front of the bike is wearing spandex, there isn't much between those sweet cheeks and your face. That means max fart dispersion. So please practice safe tandem biking. And don't wear spandex. You can't take that back.