15. Butt Munch

As I flew home this past weekend, I had a lot of time to sit around during my layover in Atlanta. Fortunately for me, I have a pretty good time just sitting around and watching people. People do and wear some crazy stuff. I saw a lot of Birkenstocks and fanny packs, and I even saw one lady hanging out in the entrance to the women's restroom. One astute observer hypothesized that she probably liked the sounds she heard from being that close to all the action. Unfortunately for me, from my vantage point seated at my gate, I also saw a lot of butts. And the craziest thing I saw was all of the Butt Munch going on. Yes, Butt Munch with capital letters - it's a real thing. For the uninitiated, Butt Munch occurs when the butt, acting like a hungry monster, seeks to consume the pants. The pants disappear between the person's cheeks and are munched upon while the person walks. Yeah, there was a lot of Butt Munch at the Atlanta airport. It made me wonder how these people didn't get chafing going on. Doesn't it hurt to have that fabric rubbing up and down in your crack? And what about those pants? How do you think it makes them feel when they disappear into that chasm? Do you think the threads take it nobly and go down like a captain with the ship? Or is it like a movie where the female love interest falls off a building screaming while everyone else looks on and cries and yells in grief? And my last question is when that part of the pants finally emerges from the abyss, is it an outcast from the rest of the pants because it's been sullied in stink? These are the things I wonder, and I'm going to have to think long and hard about it. I'll report back with my conclusions.