6. Old People

It's come to my attention that some people may have gotten the impression that I don't really like old people. I mean, I called them out for parting their hair and all that. And then I just posted that atrocious picture of a veritable forest of eyebrow hair on an old guy. So I guess I can see how you, dear readers, may have come to the conclusion that I'm anti-old people. This couldn't be further from the truth. You see, it may just be that I'm a little jealous. I mean look at this guy. First, and most importantly, he gets to ride around on a Jazzy. You can't tell me that doesn't make you jealous. While everyone has to walk, you get to zip on past them on your way to water aerobics. AND you get a little bin to store your extra oxygen tanks and pinochle cards. Second, this guy is dressed to the nines. Look at that jacket!! And that mock turtleneck!! He is one snazzy guy. I don't think there is any doubt in my mind that I want to dress like that now. In fact, as some of you may be aware, I may or may not have purchased a yellow and orange paisley dress shirt because of this subconscious desire. I don't wear it for obvious social reasons, but I still have it, and I'm just biding my time before I let that little gem out of the closet. Third, only when you're older can you rock a fedora without looking like a tool or a drama kid. I look forward to the day when I can smile and tip my hat to the QT Pie in my senior dance class and not be labeled a weirdo. The great thing about getting older is that everything you do or say is cute. Even inappropriate comments. Not that I need any more excuses to make inappropriate comments.

Another thing I like about old people? Their voices. Especially Morgan Freeman's voice. As some of you might be aware, I have somewhat of a weird desire to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories. You can't tell me that him reading Goodnight Moon to you wouldn't put you right to sleep. The dulcet tones of his voice would just lull you into a blissful sleep. Now, I know what you're thinking - "But Adam, didn't you just talk about how you didn't want Clay Aiken in your bed? And now you want some other stranger in your room? What gives?" Very good catch, dear reader. But I think there is a big difference between Morgan Freeman sitting in a chair across the room reading to you and Clay Aiken with his arms around your waist while he Asian-baby-smiles in delight. You have to agree. One of them could be in a kid's movie and the other would be in a horror movie. But really, old peoples' voices are amazing. Part of the reason they can get away with saying whatever they want is that the way they say it makes it sound distinguished and wise, kind of the same way I think British people always sound smart. 

So this post is for you, old people. I think you are great. But don't think this post means I forgive you for the horrors of your locker room etiquette. They give you towels for a reason, boys.