7. Velveeta

So today at the store, I remembered something that I had repressed from my memory for many years - the existence of Velveeta. It shouldn't have surprised me that I would rediscover this abomination in the cart of a camo-clad shopper at Wal-Mart. But it did, and the memories of my last meeting with this substance came flooding back. There I was, a young, impressionable child, walking on over to a friend's house for dinner. Little did I know that this walk would not end well. No, I wasn't accosted by the teenage girls I feared so much (and secretly wished would talk to me - if only I could be Red Velvet!), nor did I have to face the ferocious chihuahua around the corner. Those would have been cake walks compared to what awaited me at my friend's house - Velveeta Mac & Cheese. As I arrived I saw my friend's mom pull a cheese-like substance out of the cabinet - THE CABINET - and start cutting it into cubes. Something about the way the Velveeta could be cut so easily into cubes struck me as odd, but it didn't really hit me until she pulled the Velveeta out of the microwave that something was wrong. Very wrong. Not only did it melt into a strange consistency, but it poured weird. Sure, the sound of mixing cheese into the elbow macaroni didn't help the rising terror in my stomach, but I soldiered on, determined to taste the disconcerting substance.

After the prayer (is Velveeta covered when you bless "the food"?), I tentatively speared some macaroni, and, with shaky hands, took a bite. It definitely wasn't cheese. And it was vaguely . . . suffocating. You know in the Matrix when Neo's mouth does this little number? That's what it was like. I felt like the Velveeta was pulling the roof of my mouth toward my tongue and that I would never be able to breathe again. Yes, even as a child I had a very vivid imagination and may have even been a little dramatic. So what did I do? I just walked out of their house and went home. I guess I really was dramatic.