5. Eyebrows

So what's the story with eyebrows? Can someone explain them to me? They are perplexing. As far as I can tell, they are the appendix of your face. They really serve no purpose except to give people something to make fun of when you have a unibrow, which is extremely funny sad. Which brings me to my next point - have you ever discovered a ridiculously long eyebrow hair? There you are just minding your own business playing with the useless tuft of hair above your eye when - BAM! - you find a lurker. Those suckers are ninjas, using the other shorter hairs as distractions so they can get longer by the day. They are like weeds, and it's your job to exterminate them. At first when you find one, you're impressed by your hair growing abilities. After all, it's always important to take credit for everything you can in life. But then as you measure it in the mirror admiringly, you feel a growing disdain for that hair. It's been hiding from you like a little rat all this time. It doesn't belong on your body. No sir, this infiltrator must be eliminated. You have to take control. So with one swift motion, you deftly pluck it out, waving it in front of your other eyebrow as a lesson to any other hair that might have the audacity to grow to freakish lengths. Some of us might not have the stomach to take care of these rogue eyebrows. But those are the people who end up looking like this dude. I bet he has toe fungus, too.